There are still moments when I ask
why? Even though my faith in God's plan is strong and unwavering, there are times I question why such a pure, beautiful, intelligent child was taken home so soon. So many mothers have lost infants at birth or children to accidents or disease. How does a mother ever fully recover from such a loss?
I look to my grandmothers for strength and direction. Adleen Knight, my great-grandmother, experienced such sadness over the death of her first-born daughter. Although I have never met Adleen, I have always felt a strong connection to her. I have become acquainted with this brown-haired, brown-eyed woman through written records and stories told by my mother. Sarah was given the middle name of Adleen. It was my hope that Sarah would inherit her grandmother's great character and devotion to God.
Adleen's baby, Maud, died from a tragic accident on September 7th (Caroline's Birthday) in the year 1909. In her journal she describes her emotions during the days of great sorrow following her daughter's death,
"All I wanted to do was carry her photograph album under my arm, it was all I had left of my baby." I can relate to this, as photographs of Sarah can be seen in almost every room of our home.
The Lord's compensatory blessings were given to Adleen to help her overcome grief and despair. I marvel over how similar these blessings are to mine. On July 15th, 1910 Adleen wrote,
"The Lord blessed us with another baby girl to help heal our sorrow. She had light brown hair and big blue eyes and as I held her to my bosom my longing heart was satisfied. Oh how we loved her! We watched her so carefully. Now for the first time since Maud left, I again sang a lullaby. As we watched her grow each day, we thanked our Heavenly Father for His kindness to us. As her big blue eyes looked into ours they seemed to say, "I will stay with you to comfort you." Oh how I feel the same about my precious Caroline!
I may never completely understand why our dear Sarah had to leave us so soon. I know that there is much to learn from this experience. I feel happiness and peace once again. However, I will always long to hold Sarah, to make cookies with her, comb her hair and hear her sweet voice fill the empty void in our home.
How grateful I am for memories that are recorded in my heart and on paper--a constant reminder to me that Sarah will be mine forever and I shall have the pleasure and joy of loving, teaching, and mothering her again. I often dream of the day when Adleen and I will be together with our beautiful daughters. How happy Sarah will be to hold and adore sweet baby Maud!
